How to Start a Conversation With Anyone

One of the greatest barriers to human connection often comes down to this single complaint. My son/daughter/mother/father/friend won’t open up to me!

Does that question sound familiar to you? Do you increasingly find yourself feeling frustrated by your relationship? Do you want to talk about deeper issues, only to be met with resistance?

Connecting conversations aren’t always natural, and they typically require skill and commitment. No matter your relationship with the other person, there are steps you can take to improve how you communicate. Here are some key considerations to keep in mind:

Be (Genuinely) Complimentary

I think you’re so creative. I love how much you care about your little brother. I see how hard you work in school. I think you’re such a good friend to others.

Compliments can lessen defensiveness and increase the likelihood of someone feeling safe with you. Highlight what you like about the other person, and make it a point to let them know your appreciation for them regularly.

Ask For Their Opinion Directly

Some people refuse to open up because they don’t have confidence that others will care about what they have to say. You can soften this fear by soliciting feedback and showing a genuine interest in their response.

For example, you might say, I want to throw a party, but I’m not sure what food we should serve. Any ideas? Or, What do you think about this lamp? I’m on the fence about it. Do you think it looks better on this table or this one?

Remember that it’s most important to be a good listener. If you react to someone’s opinion with negativity or judgment, you risk them shutting down again.

Acknowledge Your Intention

Why do you want to talk to this other person? What matters most to you in this conversation? What do you hope to achieve?

It’s important to label your intentions before you try to talk to someone. Getting clear on them can help you plan for what you want to discuss, and it can help you identify any obstacles that may arise.

It may also be beneficial to state your intentions to the other person directly. This might sound like, I really care about you, and I want to understand more about your needs, or, I feel like things have been tense lately, so I’m hoping we can find some time to sit down and talk.

Start With Safe Topics

Even if you need to talk about something serious, it’s often better to break the ice with easier topics first. People may need time to ease into the discussion.

For example, if you know your daughter could talk about soccer all day, consider starting your conversation by asking her about her last practice. Or, if your dad often brings up the weather, you might mention the upcoming rain.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

If you ask a child, did you have a good day at school, they’re going to respond in one of two ways: with a yes or no. Compare that question to, What was your favorite part of school today?

Close-ended questions aren’t inherently bad, but they don’t cultivate open communication. And while people can still respond, I don’t know, to an open-ended question, there’s a better chance of them providing you with an actual answer.

Ask For Help

Most people love to be helpful, so asking for direct support is a great way to foster a connection with someone.

You can initiate this conversation by saying, I need help with this issue I’ve been dealing with at work. Would you be willing to give me some feedback? For younger kids, you might say something like, I don’t know what to make for dinner. What do you think we should have tonight?

The help can also be practical. You might say, I left my bag by the front door. Would you mind getting it for me?

Stay Open-Minded

Good communication ultimately comes down to having a genuine interest in connecting with someone else. For this reason, staying open-minded is essential.

It’s okay to have your own opinions, but you should strive to be curious about other experiences as well. Embracing this curiosity allows you to learn more about other people and build deeper relationships.

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