Helping young adults feel seen and understood

Hi, my name is Brooke Leith and I'm a licensed professional counselor based in San Antonio, Texas. And I'm here with Talking Point Cards for their expert circle. Today I'm going to be answering some common questions about how adults, especially young adults, can support their emotional well-being, regulate their nervous systems, and have more open conversations about how they're feeling.

The most common emotional well-being challenge I see is emotional dysregulation. Essentially, a lot of individuals struggle with identifying their emotion, what even to call it, right? What the source of that emotion is. Usually, we attribute the source to something else when it's really maybe something deeper or farther away. And then processing that emotion in order to return to regulation. So, we're often not taught this when we're young.

We only know some of the basic emotions. Sad, angry, happy, right? But there is a spectrum of emotions. Many, many ways to describe how we're feeling. And a lot of times we are only pointing at what is right in front of us as the source of that emotion. Right? Our classmate said something that bothered us and it made me angry. Right? And that's not necessarily wrong, but likely there's something deeper than that, right?

Maybe it's not angry. Maybe it's embarrassed or neglected or abandoned, right? And maybe the source isn't necessarily that classmate. Maybe it's something deeper or from farther away in the past. Perhaps maybe something a certain way that your parents made you feel or a friend when you were young or your partner, right? So really understanding what is truly going on, going as deep as possible so that you can work through it accurately, work through the correct emotion so that you can get back to regulation.

It's difficult for people to explain what they're feeling because we truly don't get enough education on different emotions other than the basics, right? We really only learn when we're kids. happy, sad, angry, embarrassed maybe, right? But there is a wide gamut of lots of things we could be feeling. So that's the first issue I see. And then on top of that, even if we do have the vocabulary and the knowledge about all the different emotions we could be experiencing.

A lot of times in certain settings, we're not allowed to feel or to express strong emotions, positive or not positive. Right? Sometimes you grow up in a household where expressing positive emotions is not always welcomed because caregivers might fear that you're kind of letting your guard down, right? If you're being too optimistic or too happy, right? Or on the flip side, sometimes we're not really given the space to express more difficult emotions like sadness or loneliness because that generally makes people uncomfortable, right?

So often times we're given the message that if you're going through a tough time like that, keep it to yourself, only express the positive emotions. So even as an adult, if you can rationalize that, no, I should probably talk about these feelings whether they're difficult or not, but we're often just given that message so early on in life that it's really hard to break out of that.

One thing I see over and over in my work and with my clients is the human need that really many many humans, I hesitate to say all because we're all different, but a lot of humans really just want to be seen and understood. That is some of our deepest desires is just for someone that we love or care about to really see us give us their full attention and to understand what it's like to be us. So asking real questions, open-ended questions, shows that you're curious.

It shows that this is a space where you have the emotional safety to open up, right? Because we can't open up. We can't be vulnerable. We can't be honest. If it doesn't feel like a space that we can do that, if we're getting messages, subconscious or not, that this is not a place that you can be honest, then we're probably not going to open up. But by having someone really give you that space, really give you that genuine curiosity and care, that's going to let us put our walls down a little bit and say, "Okay, I can be honest with this person." So, an example of a really good question that I wanted to give is from the Talking Point Cards deck, their small talk deck.

I like this a lot because as you can see, there's a lot of cards in here, right? And it's more than the small talk that you imagine, you know, talking about the weather or work or something like that, right? There's a lot of really great questions in here. So, I really like this card. It says, "If you could switch lives with anyone for a day, who would it be and why?" I think this is a really great example of a type of question to help someone open up a little bit, right?

No, on the surface, it's not the deepest question. Of course, it's not getting to anybody's deepest, darkest secrets or to, you know, any really serious, but if you were to ask someone this in a really genuinely curious way, you're listening not just to respond, not just to give your answer, but you really want to know what that other person has to say. For example, you want to know who they would switch lives with. That is telling that person, I want to take time out of my day to see you and understand you.

And knowing who someone would switch lives with really tells a lot about them. It tells a lot about their priorities, about what they feel like they're lacking in their life. So, I really like that example as a way to ask the right type of questions to help people feel safer and more willing to open up.

This is a really great question because dysregulation regulating nervous system is talked about a lot. You see it on social media. You see people just kind of throwing these terms around and we might not always know exactly what that means. So imagine a spectrum right in the middle is being regulated. It's what's called being within your window of tolerance. That doesn't mean that nothing difficult happens to you. It means that if it does, you can respond a little easier without extreme difficulty.

You can stay generally relaxed, generally in control, and you can just deal with kind of what comes at you. All right? Then above that, we have something called hyperarousal. And this is those modes that we all get in sometimes where we're feeling anxious, panicked, angry, irritated, right? We might go into a sort of fight or flight response where we want to fight someone or we want to run. Okay? So that is sort of on the hyper side of the spectrum.

And then below we have hypoarousal. So that's more of the depression, the numbness, the exhaustion, right? versus hyperarousal when you want to fight or flight. In hypoarousal, you often want to just freeze. Maybe you in a moment of stress, you just completely freeze or you want to shut down, right? You stay in bed, you isolate. That's hypoarousal. So, when you're in hyper or hypoarousal, you're not able to deal with life's demands as easily as when you're regulated.

The body can continue to feel unsafe even when there's no immediate danger because our brain's primary goal is to keep us safe. Okay? It wants to identify dangers and help us avoid dangers as well as possible. Even if that means it makes us anxious or depressed or a little bit miserable in some way, right? So, our brain identifies things that it sees as dangerous. Okay? And it treats it as if it's life-threatening. All right?

So, this goes back to when we were cave people and we were being chased by a lion, right? Our brain had to recognize what a lion looks like and you had to your body had to respond and run or get ready to fight. Okay? So even though that's not our reality now in the modern age, we recognize all kinds of things as dangerous. It could be getting a bad grade in school or a perceived slight from our partner or some, you know, our family feels like they are disappointed in us, right?

Our brain registers that as danger even when yes, those things are uncomfortable, but they're not life-threatening. Of course, it's not an immediate life-threatening danger. So the difficult thing about this is sometimes it can be subconscious, right? You may not even realize what triggered you. It could be something a scent, a color, a physical feature on a person, right? That triggers our subconscious to something that our nervous system deems as dangerous, right?

It could be from a previous traumatic incident or it could just be something that it feels like is dangerous. So that's how sometimes even when we're not in danger, we're just sitting at home or in class or hanging out with friends, our body and our brain feels like, okay, this is a dangerous situation.

So a really simple nervous system regulation exercise I like to teach my clients is a way to sort of counteract our brain sensing danger, right? Of course, if we are in legitimate physical danger, physical harm, we need to leave that situation as as fast and as effectively as possible, right? But I'm talking about when it's anxiety that's sensing danger that's not really there. Okay? So, if that's happening to you and you're feeling overwhelmed, what you can do is identify signs of safety.

So, when we're in that mode, our brain is in fear-based mode, right? It is the amygdala is firing. It's telling the body there is danger around you need to react accordingly. But we need to switch it from that fear-based thinking to more of a fact-based to more of a rational way of thinking. So by identifying signs of safety, you are telling your brain, hey, we're good. Thanks for the alarm bells, but I'm actually okay right now.

I'm safe. So some examples of these signs of safety could be okay I am sitting next to someone I love and trust right that's a sign of safety or uh my dog is sleeping nearby right that can be a very safe and comforting observation for someone maybe I hear my children laughing in the next room that's a sign of safety that you can observe to sort of calm those nervous thoughts or maybe if you need to go a little bit more internal a little bit more somatic, you can listen to your heart rate and say, "Oh, my heart rate is steady.

I'm actually okay right now." Because if you were in real danger, your heart rate would be pounding, right? So, identifying signs of safety is a really simple way you could do it anywhere to sort of just remind your brain, okay, we're good. We're safe. No need to panic anymore.

So there's a name for all of the type of irrational ways that we sometimes think when anxiety has taken over our brain and those are called cognitive distortions. So our brain is always trying to protect us right and there is so much stimuli we are exposed to at any given moment right information senses just there is just so much coming in. So our brain protects us by recognizing patterns or taking shortcuts. Okay? Because it just can't possibly analyze everything that we are exposed to.

So sometimes it gives us these cognitive distortions that simplify things technically, but they're not always accurate. They're not always rational, and so sometimes they can make situations a little bit more difficult. So some examples of cognitive distortions that you've probably heard of. Jumping to conclusions, right? A lot of people have heard this phrase. It means to make assumptions without enough evidence, right?

So that is a way that our brain takes a shortcut and to protect us, right? Our friend doesn't respond back to us. So instead of doing the emotional work of thinking about why they might not have responded, considering other possibilities, our brain jumps to a conclusion, takes that shortcut and says, "Oh, my friend doesn't like me anymore." And that is the way that our brain protects us, right? By showing us the danger and going there first.

Okay. Another cognitive distortion is called all or nothing or black and white thinking. So this is when we view situations in extremes, either all or nothing, black or white, without recognizing the gray in between. This is another way of simplifying all the information given to us. But as you can imagine, there's a lot of possibilities in between that all or nothing in between those all or nothing options. Okay. Another cognitive distortion is called catastrophizing.

So it has the word catastrophe in there, right? That means we automatically assume the worst. Okay? We get one bad grade on a quiz. So, we assume we're going to fail the class, have to drop out of school, our life and our career is ruined. Right? That is a way again our brain is trying to protect us by showing us the danger. Right? When you see that low grade on your quiz, the alarm bells are going off. Okay, you need to study more.

You need to get tutoring. Right? But instead of taking it as a rational response and okay, I'm going to set up some uh tutoring. We're going to be good, it's oh no, I'm doomed. This is the end of the world. My life is ruined. Right? When we're in our rational mind, we know that's not always the case. But anxiety can make us feel otherwise. And lastly, another cognitive distortion that I see a lot is called mental filtering.

So this is when we filter out the good and only focus on the bad. Again, this is a defense mechanism. This is a way our brain is protecting us by showing us the danger and ignoring the good, right? So, we have a argument with our partner, right? Instead of focusing on all the good things that happened that day, we only focus on the one argument we have. And so, that makes us feel like, oh, our relationship is terrible.

We're going to break up. We're not right for each other. Versus looking at the holistic view of things, right? Yeah, there was that one argument and it should be addressed and and processed, but there's a lot of good things too that could be focused on. So, there's those are some examples of cognitive distortions or common thinking patterns that are caused by anxiety.

A really simple exercise to challenge an anxious thought is called putting your thought on trial. Okay, so the first step is to identify the anxious thought. Okay. So, what is the belief that your brain is telling you right now? So, for example, I'm going to get fired for my job. Okay. We've probably all thought this at some point. So, identify that's the anxious thought. Okay. So, then what you do from there is identify evidence for the thought.

So, facts, not opinions, but facts that can prove that thought, right? Are in defense for the thought. Okay? And then you're gonna identify evidence facts against the thought. So thoughts that or facts that disprove that thought. Okay? So the anxious thought is I'm going to get fired. And maybe some evidence for the thought is I made a mistake yesterday. And that's legitimate. And maybe another evidence for the thought is oh well somebody got fired earlier this year.

So clearly they this is a firing company of course. So those are the evidence for the thought, right? some facts that might prove the thought is true. But then on the flip side, we're going to look at some evidence against the thought. Okay, so for example, all right, my boss told me that that mistake I made is not that big of a deal. Okay, so there's one. Um, it's the only mistake I've made since I started this job. Okay, that's two.

Um, actually, you know, the damage was minimal on that mistake. It wasn't I didn't I didn't ruin the company. Okay. So, after you sort of do this holistic assessment of of the thought and evidence for and against it, you can have a more holistic a more well-rounded view of what's happening, right? That doesn't mean that it necessarily makes the problem go away. It might still be a concern that you need to address, but you can think of it a little bit more rationally, a little bit more well-rounded, and so you're looking at it from all angles.

So, I hear this so often cuz I really often recommend mindfulness and meditation for clients and almost without fail, they say, "Oh, I've tried it. It's too hard. I can't clear my mind. I my brain always wanders." Okay? And I get that, right? There's no surprise that we live in an immediate gratification society. A lot of us struggle with low attention spans. Okay? But I want to debunk something about meditation. It is not about completely clearing your mind, right?

Like you might see in a movie. It's impossible to clear your mind completely, right? You our brain is for thinking. We have to have thoughts. Okay? So the goal isn't to clear our mind, but to practice returning to the present without judgment. Okay? So, if you're getting started with mindfulness or meditation, I recommend using a guided audio as opposed to just sitting in silence or maybe with some, you know, sort of soothing music.

I think guided audio is really helpful cuz it gives you something to focus on. Okay? So, you put this on, you get into a comfortable private place and you're listening to the audio, focusing on your breath, and inevitably your thoughts will wander. They 100% will cuz that's what brains do and that's okay. But instead of being hard on yourself about it or judging yourself, saying, "Oh, you're so bad at this. Why can't you do this?" You recognize the thought, label it, say, "Oh, that was a thought about school." And then you gently bring it back to that audio, into the present, into your breath, and continue along that way.

Inevitably, your thoughts will wander again, probably within 20 seconds, right? Again, label it. Oh, that was a thought about family. Okay. gently bring it back to the present over and over and over again. Okay? So, that's what makes it hard, right? I'm not saying it's easy, but it's not as difficult as clearing your mind. It's like a workout, right? At the gym, you do reps to strengthen your muscles. With meditation, you're doing these reps to strengthen your mind, to strengthen your attention span, and practice getting back to the present without judgment.

The answer is absolutely yes. You can definitely still benefit from mindfulness when you only have one or two minutes. Okay? It really doesn't take a lot. But another great thing I like to add is it doesn't necessarily have to be something that you're taking time out of your day for. It can be something you're you do while you're doing other things that you already have to do. So, an example of a beginner friendly mindfulness exercise you can try that doesn't take time out of your day is a mindful shower.

Okay, so this one's really good to start with because a lot of us shower and you're it's already a task that we have to do and we have into our routine that you're really not able to multitask when you're there. Can't really have your phone in there. you mostly just have to focus on, you know, showering yourself and being alone in your thoughts. Okay? So, this is a great way to practice mindfulness. So, what I want you to do next time you shower is practice staying in the present moment as much as you can.

So, the way to do that is to use all five of your senses. Okay? So, I want you as you're in the shower, focus on what you can see. What's the lighting like in the shower? What is the tile like? Is there some, you know, soap scum on the floor? Is it nice and clean? What do you see? Okay. Then next, what do you hear? What is the water sound like hitting the bottom of the shower? Do you hear something out in the other side of the house?

Are your kids making noise? Is your family making noise? Is someone playing music? Okay. Next. What do you smell? Can you smell the shampoo? Right. Even if you need to actively grab the product, open it up and sniff it, right? So that you have something to smell. Pay attention to what that smells like. Okay. Next touch. What does it feel like? I want you to really pay attention when the water is hitting your head, your shoulder, whatever.

What does that feel like? Really focus in on it. Okay? And then lastly, taste, right? What does your mouth taste like? If it feels okay, do you want to take some of the water and see what it feels like and tastes like in your mouth? So, those are some ways to really stay in the present moment. And inevitably, your mind will wander and that's okay. It's all right that you didn't do this 100%. But when it wanders, just gently and non-judgmentally bring it back to the present.

Okay? So, let's say you're trying to focus on the scents that you're smelling in the shower. Suddenly, your brain starts wondering about that assignment you have to do. you have to turn in later. Notice it, say, "Oh, that was a work thought." Bring it back back to that scent. So, that is a really easy way to get started with mindfulness that doesn't take any extra time out of your day cuz you already have to shower.

We often hear about externalizing emotions, but you're thinking, "How do I do that? It's an emotion. It's in my mind. It's in my body. How do I externalize that?" And to help illustrate that, I want to share a quote from an author I really enjoy named Matt Haig. So his quote says, "Mental health problems don't define who you are. They are something you experience. You walk in the rain and you feel the rain, but importantly, you are not the rain." Okay, so that's how I go about working with my clients who are experiencing difficult emotions that feel like it's all consuming.

So helping them realize the emotion is an experience. It's not your whole being. Okay. So when we are externalizing this emotion, we want to find a way of thinking about the emotion as its own entity, right? It's not you, it's its own thing that you are experiencing. So some examples can be naming it, right? Just naming the feeling can really go far in externalizing it. A lot of times in session, I'll have my clients draw that feeling to sort of get it out of their body and onto paper.

Right? If you can put it onto paper, then it's it's separate from you. And drawing it really helps you understand it a little bit more. Um, just talking about it, right? You're talking about it with a friend, a partner, a mental health professional. That's a really great way to sort of get it out of your body, separate it from your being. And lastly, personifying that feeling. So, this one can be kind of fun, right? We can sometimes give that emotion a sort of personality, right?

Give it a name. You can even draw what it looks like. What are its personality traits? What does it like to do? What are its goals? What is it afraid of? That's a really helpful way to externalize an emotion we might be feeling.

If you're experiencing a difficult feeling and you've heard that externalizing it is a good thing to do, here's a suggestion of something you can do. What I want you to do is get some paper and uh writing utensils, ideally color so that you can sort of add some color to it. But if you don't have that and just pen or pencil is fine. But what I want you to do is draw what that feeling feels like. Okay? So it could be a number of things.

It could be an abstract shape, right? Squiggles, lines, whatever. It could be a person, right? You could give that emotion a sort of personality. Make it its own entity, right? On that same note, it could be like a little creature, right? It doesn't have to be a humanoid looking thing. It could be like some interesting little creature or an animal, right? And what I want you to do is give it a name, too, right? So, you're on this paper, you're drawing what this emotion feels and looks like to you, and give it a name, right?

That'll help you moving forward when you're feeling that emotion and thinking, "Oh, it's so and so. So and so has showed up. It's not me, it's a emotion that I'm experiencing." So that's a really helpful way to externalize a difficult feeling you might be feeling.

So, as parents or caregivers who are used to our young adults being a child, right, it can be really hard when they grow up and become an adult to not try to solve everything for them, right? But since they're now an adult, it's their turn to try to figure out those ways to solve the problems for themselves, right? That doesn't mean you can't support them. Of course, you're always going to want to be their their cheerleader, their support system, right?

So, how do you do that without trying to solve everything? The main piece of advice I'll share is when you're talking with your young adult about the situation they're in, the feelings they're having, try as hard as you can to listen, to understand rather than to solve or to defend, right? Especially if what they're sharing is maybe a criticism of you, right? A lot of times when our young, you know, the person in our life, the young person in our life is talking about something that's going on, especially if it's caused by us, we our brain is just coming up with all our defenses, all our retorts.

What am I going to say to that note? What am I going to say to that point? What am I going to say to that point? Right? But that is not listening to understand. Right? So, I want to challenge you to suspend your agenda. Right? There'll be a time and a place for you to share your point of view. But in this moment when that young adult is struggling, trying to listen to understand if so that means putting away your defense and really active listening, asking questions if you need to, asking for clarification, following up, right?

And what comes with that is validating their feelings, right? And this is important to note even if you don't understand their feelings. Okay? So, a lot of times someone in our life, maybe someone of a different generation, is explaining something that they're feeling or experiencing and we just don't understand like that's never happened to me. Why do you feel that way? That can't be true because I've never experienced it.

Right? But as soon as you express that that you just don't understand and therefore don't really believe what they're saying, you're invalidating that, right? So it can be very difficult but I really want to challenge you to as much as you can validate how their experience what their experience is and how they're feeling. So that means saying I understand you feel X because of why I'm sorry you feel that way. Right? What else do you want to tell me about this situation?

What do you feel like I don't understand about this situation? Right? Asking questions so that you can really understand. Kind of get in their head. Put yourself in their shoes just so you can understand. So, that's a really great way that parents, caregivers can support a young adult when they're struggling without just solving all their problems.

As a licensed professional counselor, I can definitely attest to clients coming in my office and not wanting to talk, right? Or not wanting to talk about the stuff that likely needs to be talked about, right? So my advice for people who want to support a young adult that doesn't feel like talking, it's really really hard, but you just have to be patient. Okay? So even if it feels scary and urgent, you feel like this needs to be talked about immediately, you can't push it, okay?

You just have to exist. That individual needs to feel safe enough to open up and be vulnerable with you. And that takes time, right? But the more you push, the more you nag, the more you insist that this needs to be talked about immediately, they're going to shut down. They're going to put their walls up because they're not feeling safe. Okay? So, be patient, right? Let them know that you're here. You're here for them whenever they're ready.

And you're in the meantime, you're just going to exist and support them however they'll let you.

So, if you're you have a young adult in your life and you feel like you maybe don't know much about their inner life, you want to check in on what is going on with them, right? Genuine questions and conversations can go a long way, right? Even if you're not asking directly about the situation that they might be dealing with, but asking about just their inner world and how they're experiencing life can really show that you are a safe person to talk to.

Right? So, an example I want to give is from the Talking Point Cards deck, their support deck. This is really great. It has a lot of really great questions for how to check in with people in your life who might be hurting. Okay, so one of the questions I like is who cheers you up when you feel lonely. I really like this question because it shows genuine curiosity. It helps to create a space to talk about some feelings, some difficult emotions, but is removed enough that they don't have to talk about anything specific that might be going on for them right now.

And it also helps you to understand their inner world a little bit more. Right? Maybe it's been a little while since you've talked about who your young adult in your life, who their best friends are, right? They might not have the same best friends that you assume they did, you know, when they were younger. Maybe now that they're this age, totally different people are the ones they go to when they're feeling lonely. So, you asking this question can be a really great way for you to show that you are curious about them, interested in what's going on in their life, and to get some information about what is what's important to them and who's important to them right now.

The most important thing I would like people to understand about their emotions and the thing I try to communicate to my clients often is emotions are information. Every emotion you experience, the positive ones and the difficult ones serve a purpose. They're not good or bad. They're information. Okay? So, if you're feeling an emotion, you can't quite pinpoint why you feel that way, why what it's coming from, why it's so strong, ask yourself, what is this emotion telling me?

Are my needs not being met? Do I need to shift priorities? Do I need to set some boundaries? Are my habits helping or hurting me? Right? So our emotions are telling us, especially the difficult ones, the anger, the loneliness, the disappointment, those emotions are often alerting us to that something isn't quite right in our life, right? Somehow our values are in conflict or our needs aren't being met or I need to set some boundaries and stick to them.

Right? So, I encourage my clients and I encourage you to when you're feeling that emotion, sit with it for a moment and try to investigate what is this emotion trying to tell me? What information can I gather from this emotion?

I often ask my clients what support systems they have because relationships and the people in our life are so important to helping us through adversity, helping us through tough times, right? So, a question I want to encourage everyone to sit with this week comes from the Talking Point Cards, their support deck, and the question is, how comfortable do you feel asking people for help? Okay, this one is really important for me to ask my clients and it's really important for everyone to ask themselves because we may have people in our life that we feel like we can rely on.

They say they're here for us and you know they love and support us, but if we don't feel comfortable asking them for help or being honest about what's struggling, what we're struggling with, then they can't help us, right? We can't get the help we need. So, I encourage you to ask yourself, how comfortable am I asking people for help? Right? And if I'm not comfortable, why not? What am I what's stopping me? Is it a fear of burdening them?

Is it a fear that I'll look incompetent? Right? So, that's a question I encourage you to sit with is how comfortable am I do I feel asking people in my life for help? And if not comfortable, why not?